Surrender

Just how close can I get Lord to my surrender, without losing all control? (From Somewhere in the Middle, released by Casting Crowns on The Altar and The Door).

A few years ago, I gave my testimony at a women’s retreat held by our church. Months later one of the other women from our church told me that the most memorable part for her was when I recalled the point in my life where I realized I was not in control. I was a Christian for over 15 years before I was ready to completely acknowledge that I relied on God for everything. When I hear Somewhere in the Middle, it almost always makes me think back to that day when I finally accepted that.

Lately I have thought about posting my testimony on this site. However, the story of my life isn’t just my story, it is the story of everyone who has wandered into and out of my life. I can’t tell my story without telling the story of the people who shaped my life . I have given my testimony to a number of small women’s groups, but I don’t think I’m ready to share everything in this type of setting quite yet. I will, however, share a little bit about surrender.


Growing up, I was innundated by the ”we can have it all” doctrine of feminism. I made up my mind early that I would not be dependent on anyone for my needs. My salvation at age 12 only altered this independence, I certainly didn’t allow it to completely replace my independent mindset. I earned an engineering degree and then a law degree. Somewhere in all this I met my husband, got married, and started a family. I passed a few bar exams and got a job as a patent attorney. I loved my husband, attended church, and yet was still clinging to the belief that my education and experience would allow me to never be dependent on anyone.

One rainy Sunday morning I was driving home from the store when another driver failed to stop at an intersection and forced my van down an embankment. That one instant changed everything. I went through numerous treatments, therapies, and tests. My back and neck were in constant pain. I worked off and on during this time. In addition to the physical pain, however, I was battling things I had never dealt with before. I would forget deadlines and conversations. I would start talking and be unable to finish my sentence because I forgot what I was talking about. I would see someone I had known for years and not remember their name.

Finally, after nine months, my denial had to end. I still remember sitting in the little office with my doctor as if it was yesterday. I remember the sounds and smells – funny that the memory is so clear when it was my memory that was the problem. I was sitting across the desk from a specialist who told me that I my memory problems were the result of the accident. I could no longer practice, although by this point I hadn’t even attempted to work for months.

That night, as my husband and I talked about next steps, I finally acknowledged the truth I should have embraced years before. I realized on that night that I was not in control. I was completely dependent on God for everything. Of course, God was in control all along. I just failed to accept it. Wonderfully, he is still in control!

I have been so blessed in the years since then. While my back did not heal completely, I now spend most days pain-free. God has also restored a great deal of my memory. Through it all, God has also been faithful to meet the needs of our family. Even better, I got the chance to stay home every day with my children in my new career as stay-at-home mama. While I have worked some in recent years to supplement our family income, I am thrilled that God got my attention and reminded me of his sovereignty and gave me a life far richer than I ever could have secured on my own.